Gauging Your Level of Self-Worth

In our work as transformational coaches, our clients create year-long life plans. As part of their plan, they choose one of their life roles to be their major focus for the coming year. Having used this planning process for nearly 20 years, we find a majority of our clients choose a focus that involves putting a higher priority on themselves. In other words, elevating the value they place on themselves. This is a strong reflection of the times in which we live where we are pulled in many directions leaving little time for ourselves. But developing a high level of self-worth doesn’t have to be time-consuming. In fact, it can be done in random moments here and there, the key is to raise our self-awareness and intentionality when it comes to self-worth.

The most confident and happy people we know are those with a high level of self-worth. But how did they get that way? Are some people just born with a better sense of self-worth, is it something nurtured by their parents and others in childhood, or do they intentionally work at enhancing their self-worth throughout life?

When we encounter people with high self-worth, we find they have many things in common. Let\’s look at a few.

They put mistakes in perspective. Everyone makes mistakes now and then and people with high self-worth recognize this. They take responsibility for their actions and don’t position themselves as victims. They understand that although something may have gone wrong, it doesn\’t change who they are as a person. They treat themselves with compassion and still value themselves even when they make a mistake.

They don\’t get caught up in the trappings of life. Society tends to equate self-worth with financial success. But self-worth has less to do with what you have than who you are. It doesn\’t matter how much money you have, whether you wear the right clothes, how much education you have, or whether you went to the right schools. Your value or self-worth has more to do with who you are and how you feel on the inside than what people see on the outside.

They don\’t chase happiness. Self-worth has very little to do with any emotion you happen to be feeling at the moment. If you are not happy, it does not mean that you are not worthy. You\’re going to feel what you\’re going to feel. Individuals with high self-worth realize this and accept their emotions for what they are: a reflection of their emotional state, not personal value. They generally possess a high level of emotional intelligence (EQ) that enables them to be at peace with who they are.

They take responsibility for how they feel. Those who have strong feelings of self-worth, do not need other people to define them. They have done the work on themselves. They have taken the time to examine who they are at their core, know whom they want to be, and have made the changes necessary to become that person. Other people may influence you along the way, but only you have the right to decide who you are.

Of course, there are other things people with high self-worth do. They practice empathy, especially with themselves. They love what they do and set goals that are aligned with their values. The common thread? They do things that honor them and boost their personal power. They don\’t make compromises or get caught up in doing what they think they \’should\’ do but instead focus on what\’s right for them and their ideal self.

If you want to improve your own self-worth or have a client who wants or needs to improve theirs, consider implementing any or all of the following techniques we often use with our clients:

Unconditional self-worth is the sense that you deserve to be alive, to be loved and cared for. Realize that self-worth comes from within and claim your personal power. When you allow your self-worth to be dependent on what others think about you, it says more about what they value and want in another person than it does about who you are. You don’t need to change who you are in order to meet the expectations of others.
Focus on what you like about yourself. If necessary, make a list of your positive qualities to raise your awareness of who you are and what you value. Make it a living document. As you become aware of a positive trait add it to your list to discover more about who you are and what you value about yourself.
Know that you have the personal power to change and influence your circumstances, so practice taking full responsibility for everything that happens to you. Don’t make excuses, take ownership. Start by forgiving yourself for mistakes, bad decisions, and what you consider to be your shortcomings. Then treat yourself with compassion and accept yourself for whom you are versus beating yourself up for who you are not.
Stop listening to negative self-talk. When you catch yourself paying attention to that little voice spouting negative things about you, stop and jot down what you hear, then ask yourself if what you hear is actually true about you. Often, our self-perception (and therefore our self-worth) is influenced by things we have been told by others – their perception, not ours. Choose to challenge negative thoughts about yourself and replace them with positive characteristics you know you possess and feel good about.
Stop pleasing others and take care of yourself. This may be hard to do for those who have a low level of self-worth. They may feel they don’t deserve to put themselves above or before others. People-pleasing usually stems from a feeling of insecurity. Those who go out of their way to please others do so because they want others to value and accept them. While this may be the case initially, in the long run, they will come to see that the people-pleaser is allowing others to take advantage of them and their respect for these individuals will diminish. Unhealthy relationships often result when there is an imbalance between taking care of yourself and taking care of others.

When we become more aware of our level of self-worth and take steps to increase it, the end result is better self-care. Learning to value ourselves and acknowledge our self-worth, will increase our self-love. We are all remarkable people in our own right and deserve to be well taken care of. So when you help your clients create a coaching plan, make sure they include at least one goal that focuses on personal care and placing a higher priority on themselves.

Thanks for reading.