(Read time: 8 min)
This month we\’ve been focusing on the importance of self-awareness and have provided you with tips and tools to help you become more self-aware. This week we focus on emotional intelligence (EQ/EI) and the role it plays in boosting self-awareness.
On the surface you might say, “Of course, having high emotional intelligence is a no brainer for any coach,” and you would be right. If pressed however, could you provide a short definition of emotional intelligence or describe the five main elements of EQ? By the end of this article, we hope you will be motivated to learn more about EQ, be able to apply these learnings in your practice, and pass these learnings along to your clients. We can tell you from experience that developing your EQ is time well spent.
What is emotional intelligence?
According to Daniel Goleman, Ph.D., psychologist and author of the New York Times bestseller, Emotional Intelligence and Social Intelligence: The New Science of Human Relationships, emotional intelligence is, “being able to recognize, understand, and manage our own emotions, as well as to recognize, understand, and influence the emotions of others.”
Goleman identifies five components that make up our EQ understanding and applying even one of these five components of EQ will allow you to connect with clients and others more quickly and at a deeper level.
Five elements of EQ:
- Self-awareness
- Self-regulation
- Motivation
- Empathy
- Social skills
Self-Awareness
Self-awareness is the most essential component of emotional intelligence. Understanding how you come across to others is vital for a coach. You’re a more effective and accurate communicator when you’re able to predict how others will perceive your words and actions. Here’s how.
- Self-awareness is your system for understanding your emotions, yourself, and others
- It enables you to act proactively instead of reactively
- You take fewer things personally
- You focus on positive change
- You’re more present because self-awareness requires attention and keeps you grounded in the present moment.
Note: If you missed our earlier article on self-awareness, please check it out here: The Self-Aware Coach
Self-Regulation
Knowing yourself or being self-aware is the first step but by no means the only step in raising your EQ. Once you understand “what makes you tick,” the next step is to regulate yourself. That means understanding your triggers, how they impact others, and being able to manage your responses. For example, do you have the self-control and the necessary skills to:
- Contain your emotions?
- Avoid acting impulsively?
- Make good decisions?
- Know when to walk away?
Self-regulation is an important skill for anyone but especially a coach. Creating an environment where your client feels safe to speak their truth without judgement and where your responses are always thoughtful and appropriate should be one of the hallmarks of a client-centered transformational coach. Here are some tips on increasing your self-regulation:
- Meditate: Meditation helps you to notice when your attention strays. This ability extends to noticing when your emotions might be getting out of hand and taking the initiative to bring your emotions back in line.
- Be mindful. Mindfulness is simply non-judgmental awareness, staying in the moment and maintaining an awareness of your emotional state. Being mindful is a way to observe your emotions without losing control of them.
- Build your self-confidence. When your self-confidence is high, you’re less concerned about what others think. Self-confidence makes it easier to stay true to your values and stay focused on your goals.
- Practice self-discipline. When you know what you need to accomplish, self-discipline is what keeps you on track. Think of it as a muscle. The more you work it, the stronger it gets. Once you’ve completed a task, give yourself a pat on the back. Acknowledge that you have self-discipline. You just proved it to yourself.
- Adopt a long-term perspective. Before reacting to a person or situation, consider the long-term consequences of what you say or do. Put your energy into finding solutions rather than acting on a spontaneous feeling that does not serve you.
Motivation
Motivation is that force within us that keeps us moving towards our goals even when obstacles get in our way. Goleman, identifies four key elements that make up motivation: optimism, the drive to achieve, our commitment to our goals, and the ability and desire to take the initiative.
- Motivation should be weighed in consideration of your values. Highly motivated people may be tempted to do whatever is necessary to succeed but when you keep your values in mind, you temper your motivation with the highest good in mind.
- While motivation is certainly a desirable trait, it is important to recognize when to control and channel your motivation to succeed so it doesn’t negatively influence or take advantage of others.
Empathy
Empathy is a critical component of emotional intelligence. Empathy is the ability to feel and demonstrate compassion for the feelings of others. It’s not sufficient to be able to predict or understand what others in your life are feeling, you must also be able to respond appropriately. True empathy requires a response that makes sense for the situation.
Empathy helps you make quick and long-lasting connections. Expressing empathy for another makes them feel good because they know they have been understood and their feelings have been validated. Helping others feel better feels good; it’s a wonderful boost for your self-esteem and is likely one of the reasons you coach. When you are able to build trust by demonstrating your empathy, it can take your relationships to a new level.
Build and demonstrate more empathy in your relationships Try these techniques to enhance your empathy and your relationships will flourish:
- Be a great listener. Listening skills are critical for the transformational coach. You can strengthen all of your relationships just by becoming a better listener. Practice silence and put all of your attention on the other person by really, really listening. It’s a valuable skill!
- Before reacting to someone who is stressed or struggling, imagine being in that same situation yourself. How would you feel? What would you want and need to hear from someone else to feel better and move forward?
- Avoid making assumptions. Work with the information you’re provided. Avoid the temptation to add your own reality to the conversation. This is challenging because the more coaching experience you have the more that little voice will whisper, “You’ve heard this before, you know the solution.”
Social Skills
Social skills and emotional intelligence go hand in hand. An increase in one will cause an increase in the other. Social skills are necessary to build healthy relationships.
Building better social skills can be challenging if you are an introvert so being self-aware, yet again, will give you the coping mechanisms you need. The following strategies will help you to create the necessary social skills to take your relationship to the next level:
- Ask open-ended questions. It can be hard to keep a conversation going if you ask questions that the client can answer with a simple yes or no. Ask open-ended questions that require the other person to respond with more information.
- Set an intention to learn more about the other person than you share about yourself. It’s better to appear fascinated by the person you’re talking to than to try and appear fascinating to them. Instead of impressing the other person, allow them to impress you.
- Be reliable and trustworthy. When you do what you say you’re going to do and maintain confidences, people know they can count on you.
- Listen. Pay attention. Treat the person you’re interacting with like the most interesting and important person in the world. It will leave them with a lasting impression of you.
Emotional Intelligence is an essential tool for any coach, but especially coaches who focus on client transformation. Helping clients achieve a personal transformation, a positive shift in beliefs and behavior, is similar to a carefully choreographed dance. Sometimes the coach leads and sometimes the coach follows. Always aware, always focused on what the client says as much as what the client doesn’t say. Exercising emotional Intelligence prevents you from making a misstep that could end the dance. When collaborating with clients, coaches who know themselves and manage what they know to better manage their interactions with others produce better outcomes for themselves and their clients. What’s your EQ?
Thanks for reading, see you next week.
Additional Resources:
This week check out Harvard’s favorite EQ assessments (No affiliate relationship). If you take an assessment, choose the 1 or 2 skill areas that you want to work on an be sure to start with the skill that will bring you the greatest reward.
Assessment: Harvard Professional Development – 4 Tools We Love
Learn more about Emotional Intelligence by going to Daniel Goleman\’s website